I’ve decided to pivot and change things up. My plans to finish the 39 Articles posts just seemed the wrong way to go. I sort-of feel like my blog posts were not supposed to be so planned in the first place. I don’t know if 2020 and all the chaos and mess that it has been is the impetus or if it is truly a Mid-Life Crisis. I don’t think it really matters. It just is. I want to do something different.
I know that I have heard that it doesn’t matter what the content is on your blog as long as one is still writing. Somewhere deep down, I still feel like a failure because I didn’t live up to my own expectations with finishing the 39 Articles posts. I know they were my expectations and no one else’s. I still feel like I failed. In contrast to this, my thoughts also say that it’s okay to change. To be honest, I have no idea how many people are actually reading this. Why should it matter whether or not I finish a series? If I think back and go way down, I didn’t start this blog to have people read it. That’s a side benefit. I started this as a way to process “out-loud” what was going on inside of me. It was my unique take on the world, faith, homeschooling, and all the topics that pique my interest.
In the past 18 months, I have had such a desire to write. That desire has been waylaid at times. Children have graduated and gone on to school. Owning a home has kept me neck deep. Baking bread has kept me busy. Homeschooling has kept me with little brain space for writing. But now, I feel that somehow it is the time to be intentional. I have to write despite the busyness. I have to write even if it is just a few words. I am at a stage in my life when my kids are not as needy. Two of them are on their “own” at college/university. The other two are here, but one is extremely independent and the other is big too, but needs me just a bit more. (Thankfully, this year he has been doing well.) Even with his needs, I have more free time, especially when I procrastinate cleaning. That’s a gift, that cleaning procrastination. I have to write even if I don’t feel like it.
I do have fears. I do fear that the world has heard everything I have to say before. I fear that my writing style and my poor grammar are going to turn people away. I fear that my desire to have people read these words and to find grace and hope where they are, really is foolish. I fear that I’m being selfish and self-centered by even having a blog.
In opposition to that, deep down I’m never going to get anywhere without stepping out and stepping out beyond the fear. And so I step. Elisabeth Elliot stated ( and I paraphrase because I have no idea which book it was) that sometimes we have to take a step first and then take another step before we see where God is leading. Rather than see where I am to go 100 yards, or 100 days or 100 years ahead, sometimes the Lamp that is a light unto my path really only illuminates the step that is right in front of me. Just a small fraction of the path is lit. So I take that step even if it is a short one. A short step illuminated by the Grace of God, is still a step within his plan.
If you join me on this journey, or if I am talking to a wall, I don’t think it really matters. This place of hope and grace is here to bounce my ideas and thoughts around. Maybe just maybe the Lord will use this for his Glory and for His Purpose and that purpose may be bigger than I could even imagine.
I am just going to take this step and see where the next one is.