I’m venting today and it’s okay and maybe a bit random.
My first kid goes to college in 11 days and a few hours. I’m super excited for him. I want to go to college again. I want to suck the marrow out of those early adult years again. Oh wait, I don’t want to write papers. I don’t want to have any roommate except my husband. Okay I don’t really want to go to college again. Although I wouldn’t mind being a commuter student. I am a tad jealous of my oldest that he gets to “start” his life.
Why am I having all these emotions if I am so excited? Thankfully, the emotions go in waves. My emotions really have more to do with the fact that I know that we’re all going to have to adjust. I hate adjusting. I have to adjust every couple years when we move. I have to adjust every fall when we start school after the summer break. I hate adjusting. I just want to slide into a routine. With my oldest not here, the routine is going to be ALL messed up.
I don’t want to be a helicopter mom, wanting to know every second of every day what the college kid is doing. But I want to make sure that things are getting taken care of. To be honest, I have been pretty good about being hands off with the whole college application thing, but there are other things, that I just do because I love to do it. Now he has to do it. Can he actually do all of this? Can he figure out how to do life without me? I want to make sure that he writes things down so that he gets his papers in on time and gets to class on time. Homeschooling and college are very different and I was in charge, and now I don’t have to be in charge anymore. How do I do this?
I don’t want to go back to the little kid years. I am truly looking forward to seeing my kids grow wings and fly in their own way and on their own time. I was looking forward to all of this and was not expecting the emotions that are close to the surface. There are moments where I want to bawl. I am so thankful this kid, this cancer survivor, this firstborn, is ready to leave. He’s ready to be away from the crazy that is our house. He is ready to fly quietly away. To be in a place where his love of learning can envelop him better. Oh I am excited, but man, the tears want to flow. I cannot believe we’re here. With God’s grace and presence we are here. We are on the edge. The edge where with God’s continued grace and help, our kid will soar and fly to places where I don’t get to go. I am jealous, but this fledging also gives me the freedom to spend some time doing things that I love and I’ve put on the back burner for the last 18 years.
If you see me around, know that I am good when I answer the question how are you. But also know that I am also grieving, grieving that my hovering is done and now I have to let them fly.